I’ve stated before that All of My Every Things has been a healing journey. It’s been one of the more emotionally raw projects I’ve ever worked on, poetry is emotionally raw. The best way I can describe it is as if I’ve opened old wounds and poured salt in them. That is what this book is. The synopsis’ opening line is true.
Here is a list of things I learned throughout finding the poems, collecting them together, and the entire process summed up in one post.
I recorded my journey of creating this book, making it, and the advertising here on my website of it (check out the category log). I have done interviews/podcasts/web shows and talked about how this was painful, but ultimately I knew I wanted to go forward with even the most painful poems I had written because though I wrote some dark things I began also seeing hopeful ones and that very first hopeful poem was when I wanted to move forward.
I could reflect at moments in time, the situations and times that inspired the brief poems, and could even see that I was trying to heal even as far back as 19 years ago. I hadn’t started therapy back then yet, but it was clear to myself I was trying to heal old wounds, newer ones for those times, and move forward.
As previously mentioned, I could remember the very situations that would inspire a snippet here or a snippet there that became poetry. Alot of dark, isolating, and painful experiences for me. I even began crying. I would cry hard when I was alone in the middle of the night. I then would question why I was crying over things that, though hurt, were from so long ago. I eventually realized I needed it. I hadn’t cried over so many things.
I had refused to let myself cry even a single tear for some things I’d went through. I refused to let my abuser or anyone that had hurt me gain even the slightest show of emotion. It would’ve been as if they won, but I realized I needed the tears. The tears weren’t for them, to give to them something, but for me. It was a great release and relief.
I began breathing. I am no longer walking the world as if I’m a husk.
After the revelations and the tears I caught myself doing things differently. I walked taller, not like I was hiding something anymore. I used to use my pain as a shield. I would justify in my hurt mind that if I had been rejected because of this reason or that then I was right… that I was how I felt, damaged goods.
I also saw myself in the bad habits of the ‘what ifs’. I’d self sabotage myself as a protective hazmat suit against the world. I began rewording things, reworking things in my mind and began to feel better. Not better for a little, but for longer and now its permanent.
I call this growth. Some call it spiritual growth and some would call it maturity. I am far from ‘completely healed’. I don’t know if I ever will be that, but I know I’m growing.
I know I’m not alone. The world doesn’t hurt, but the people in it can. These beings can leave scars across our very souls. This book is my scars, my hope, and my healing. I hope those that do read it find something somewhere within its pages for them.
I’m baring my very soul for connections in some of these poems. Know if you’ve survived something traumatic you’re not alone.