It was 1:20 am when I looked down. I saw the saddest of things. Droplets of brown creamy coffee were all that remained of my fuel. It’s the third day in a row that I have sat down to write with nothing flowing. I need coffee because I’m have placed myself on a strict deadline.
So, I set the mood. Years ago, I learned that writing is a dance. I take the lead. I turn on my lamp. I find my Isis incense and light it. Then, I pick the playlist. What will be the background noise to my flow? Something soulful, maybe a little heavy metal? Whatever it is, I’ll work it out.
The headphones boom against my ears, and I start thinking, where do I start? Simple work management, but then my anxiety takes over, and I start wondering if I’m doing the right thing. Mama and I had a few conversations about the memoir. I published a blog post on June 8, 2021, called “The Memoir Project Canceled“. In it, I reference not publishing because:
I also believe this memoir or set of memoirs would upset some of my family upon publication. I may live a more open lifestyle and life many of my family prefers privacy and out of respect to those that would want this I will grant it to them, for the time being.
My mother and I were having conversations about this book. She asked me what my writing meant to me. She wondered why I would share so much personal information publicly. Mama also asked if I was afraid of people being ‘mean’ to me.
I told her roughly, “I have loved writing my whole life. The role it has played has changed as I’ve grown up. Still, it’s an honorable thing for me—an honest living.” I went on to explain, “My readers are respectful of me and my wishes. They understand I’m on a spectrum. I’m overdue. I owe them more of me.”
I’m usually very private; they [readers] didn’t know that until I told them. I’m not afraid of anyone being mean to me. I’ve survived a lot in my life. If I can’t handle criticism and bad reviews, I shouldn’t be writing.”
Mama was worried about what others would think of her far more than I ever personally would. She eventually told me that she wanted me to, “just wait until I’m gone, then publish whatever you want.”
She passed away, giving her blessings for these books. She was the ‘family’ that ‘preferred privacy’, and now it’s time.
